Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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