it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
