She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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