It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I am available for nakedness
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
