My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
