I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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