Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
