Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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