see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
