I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
