I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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