He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
