He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
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Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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