Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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