Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
someone owes me an orgasm
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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