The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
