glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
