Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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