i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
