I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
