Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
