You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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