I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize