i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
