A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
