one two three fourrrrnication!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
