Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Terrible idea I love it
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
