Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
