The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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