everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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