You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
