one might say we're banned from that church
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
