When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
