Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
