She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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