sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash