Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion