you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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