you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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