Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
