it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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