somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i think i just lost a toe
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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