he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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