I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
