I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
