you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
