I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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