That's intense
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
