I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
