in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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