can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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