eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
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josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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