Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
