so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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