I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
party gras won. party gras always wins.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
