just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
